Some Words on Grief & Friendship
Left to Right: My Dad, Rick Walther 11/04/52-08/01/18 and My
Uncle Dan, The Man, Casadaban 01/20/53-10/21/21
Without diving into the shit storm that has been my life these last six months I will just give a trigger warning that it has been filled with an enormity of loss and sadness. I can’t possibly touch on the abyss of my feelings because it’s still too raw and tender but I do know I am not alone. The amount of loss we are feeling as a nation in the wake of this pandemic is immeasurable and I thought I would do a little PSA on the do’s and don’t’s when dealing with a friend in grief.
The tech generation that we live in has made for extra ways to reach out and share our feelings. This, however well intentioned, can lead to uncomfortable situations and unnecessary drama when paired with the pain of loss. Please understand that while your purpose may be good, often times the translation makes a person in grief want to punch you in the face. Don’t take this personally. We want to punch pretty much everything.
Do reach out and let your loved ones know you are thinking about them. Send love, hugs, thoughts and prayers. Even better are small stories of the person they have lost which helps to keep their spirit alive. Do so without expecting a response. It’s okay to not know what to say. There isn’t anything good to say. Follow their lead and breathe through the quiet moments with them. They will talk when they are ready.
Do not send cute bitmoji’s of yourself saying to have a great day. Great days don’t feel possible when you are fighting to get through the next hour without screaming into the void and collapsing in a puddle of your own tears. Stop yourself from using ridiculous advice like “be strong” or “keep pushing through”. It makes the need to scream stronger. The most daunting part of grief is that there is no timeline. No end point. It’s like a gradual dulling of a glass shard piercing through the arch of your foot. Being strong or walking on gives no relief on getting through it.
Please Do not post messages on social media before the family of the deceased. No one wants loved ones and friends to find out terrible news online. It also creates an avalanche of calls to family who are not yet equipped to answer an onslaught of questioning as to what happened and how they are feeling. If writing helps you process your feelings feel free to do so on old school papyrus. And then mail it to yourself, burn it or send in across the sea in a bottle. Lock it away in that cute journal from 9th grade. The exercise is the same, with the same exalting benefits but will save loads of unnecessary premature heartbreak.
Do feel free to comment on their post with love and condolences. Share stories and memories to bring smiles through the tears. Dedicate a whole post to them once families have released information and be tactful about what you choose to share. Keep in mind people will infer things that haven’t been said so do read it back to yourself and ask how it would feel to read your words if you are the partner, parent or child of the loved one.
This is a big one… DON’T tell me they are in a better place. How this load of crap saying started is beyond comprehension. Do you find life with me so appalling that one should rather be dead? What you might be trying to translate is “He is no longer in pain” or “She is finally at peace” which is absolutely comforting. Do that. But a better place? You can just F right off with that one. No offense to your devotion but I don’t care how beautiful that Eden is… their best place was walking this earth alongside me.
My Beloved Father in-law, Hector Herrera 05/27/60-08/15/21
Do remember to check back in months later. This is the critical time when many have moved on but for most family and friends the dust is settling and the feelings of being lost and alone are encompassing. Everything familiar about your life seems off because there is a new normal which is unacceptable. Many friends who check in during this time say dumb stuff like “Don’t you think it’s time to move on?” or “your kids need you to pull it together”. You can put these comments in the unhelpful section. You can pretty much hold any comment that judges the way someone is dealing with their grief. Grief is like an extra person in the room and I will cling to it, let it linger or tell it to leave as I am ready. You don’t get to decide when that is.
Do remember to be gentle, patient and accepting of whatever space, mood or feelings your friend is having. Remind yourself that just getting out of bed was a big step for them this morning. That one might be okay one minute and uncontrollably sobbing the next over a song they’ve never heard before. While recovering addicts take things one day at a time, those in the depths of grief go hour by hour. The ebb and flow of emotions can make for a completely unfocused Jekyll and Hyde vibe that is unnerving by itself, let alone paired with the emptiness and heaviness that exist simultaneously.
This doesn’t mean you can’t share happy things that are happening in your life. Good news is still beautiful to hear. Just please don’t be upset if the reaction isn’t as joyful as you had expected. Our numbness shouldn’t deter your excitement. Keep the invities coming no matter how many times they say they can’t make it. They are not snubbing you and will need those visits when they feel up for it.
And know this isn’t a forever thing or even an everybody thing. All people grieve in different ways and there’s no right way. That said I do believe there are better ways to hold space for people and that is my only goal in unloading on you here. Save yourself being yelled at or dumped on. It really isn’t you, but the confusion and anger in grief runs deep so try to keep the peace by being the best shoulder possible. We are gonna need it.
